I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
