Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
