They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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