the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
