You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
