Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize