so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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