kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
