If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
how does that bad decision feel?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
