just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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