It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
