Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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