My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
