I wanna bring you to show and tell
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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