I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
