her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
