so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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