Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
