Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
