I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize