Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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