i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
