I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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