My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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