I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
