he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
