I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
