Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
