I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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