4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
