just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
