ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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