the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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