I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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