her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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