she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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