Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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