Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
