So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
