Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
