I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
