Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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