well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Two words: nipple clamps
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