what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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