i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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