Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
