I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
