Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
