Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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