First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
