I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
