Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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