I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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