People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
