I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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