I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this beer tastes like vomit already
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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