if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
