Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
