I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
