When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
