I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
